Republican Presidential Hopefuls Select Government Required Chastity Belts

by Karen Topakian

In a surprise upset, Republican Presidential hopefuls Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum both endorsed the same brand and model chastity belt mandated by the US Supreme Court for all women over the age of 12. Despite receiving heavy backing from the Lord of Belts corporation, both candidates praised the model NoSX model manufactured by I can’t believe it’s a chastity

Their belt of choice requires two keys and a combination lock.

“I couldn’t continue to support the Lord of Belts model when my five year old picked the single lock in a record 3 minutes,” said former Senator Santorum who said God convinced him to change his mind.

Romney backed the Lord of Belts model when they donated $40 million to his Super Pac. He quickly changed his mind when the up and coming dot com pledged $50 million. “I bowed to the superior product,” said Romney displaying the keys to his wife Anne’s belt on his Tiffany key chain.

Former House Speaker Gingrich chose the style of medieval belt worn by Catherine de’ Medici – a simple velvet-covered hoop and a plate of iron. Sean Hannity roundly ridiculed him for choosing a Socialist European model.

Congressman Ron Paul endorsed a belt made from rusted nails and concertina wire, stating that he didn’t believe the government should waste tax payer money selecting such cushy devices.

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