If Presidential Hopefuls Visited Noe Valley

By Karen Topakian

SKIRTING THE CASTRO: Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum snuck into Noe Valley for a brief campaign visit on April 1.

The neighborhood caught his attention when he learned the name of the transit line that bisects the community. As the streetcar approached the corner of 24th and Church Street, former Senator Santorum exclaimed, “Let’s put Jesus back in the J-Church!”

LESS THAN 1 PERCENT: Republican Presidential front-runner Mitt Romney doesn’t get to go shopping very often given his campaigning responsibilities. Thus his 90-minute visit to Noe Valley on April 1 was a treat for the former Governor and for the local business community. Romney’s campaign office set up the visit with the assistance of the FOW (Friends of the Wealthy).

The former head of the Organizing Committee for the 2002 Winter Olympics sprinted past the shops that sold merchandise, focusing his attention on the banks, real estate, mortgage brokers and title company offices. He cheerily waved hello to the people on the sidewalk asking for money who carried signs saying “I bet you $10,000, you can’t guess the number of Cadillacs I own.”

HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF: Without warning, Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich arrived in Noe Valley in search of an adoring audience.

The former House Speaker attempted unsuccessfully to inject himself into several conversations occurring on 24th Street.

The former college professor struggled to interrupt young mothers with PhDs drinking coffee at Bernie’s. He couldn’t provide meaningful content to their discussions about circumcision, species extinction and GMO foods.

While sitting in the Martha and Bros parklet, the native Georgian invited anyone in earshot to join his planned moon colony.

At Whole Foods, he asked teen-age girls shopping for vitamins where he could find veal.

The candidate and his wife were last seen handing a flyer to the statue of Jesse Zele.

TAXES, FEES AND TICKETS, OH MY: Dark Horse Republican candidate Ron Paul was charged and booked at the Mission Station for refusing to put money in the parking meter and for refusing to pay for his ride on the 48 Quintara. Congressman Paul informed the arresting officer that these requests for cash amounted to a tax increase, something he had assiduously and repeatedly voted against.

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