Pope Flees Pulpit Before Celebration of Resurrection

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by Karen Topakian

A full month before the Christian world celebrates its most important holiday, Easter, Pope Benedict will leave his post of infallibility for “medical” reasons.

“He’s developed an extreme case of Mysophobia (extreme germ phobia) and a growing case of Agoraphobia,” said an anonymous papal staff member. “Pope Benedict fears and loathes crowds and strangers.”

The timing of Pope Benedict’s departure did not surprise any member of the papal household.

“Right before Ash Wednesday, his holiness starts showing subtle ‘signs’ of illness. A well-placed cough here. A timed shiver there. Anything to avoid marking his flocks’ foreheads,” said the same papal staff member. “Last year after Easter, I overheard him whisper to a Cardinal, ‘Next year? Over my dead body.’”

Pope Benedict confessed to another Cardinal, “I just can’t face the adoring crowds or bless the sick and poor one more time. And don’t get me started on washing the clergy members’ feet on Maundy Thursday. I pray daily for my flock but do I really have to touch and see them,” said the pontiff while sanitizing his rosary beads.

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