TSA Relaxes Carrion Rules

Unknownby Karen Topakian

In a surprising rule change, the Transportation Services Administration (TSA) will now allows its passengers to carry on carrion. The rule change resulted from a heated battle with hunters who never trusted their dressed mammals with baggage handlers.

“When I come back from a 7 day hunting trip in remote Alaska, I want to make sure my moose arrives in one piece,” said Ralph “Hawk-Eye” Lupkowski. “Last fall, only the legs and organs arrived on the baggage carousel. I’m still waiting for my antlers.”

Before September 11, 2001, airplane passengers were allowed to carry on as many rotting animal carcasses as would fit in the overhead compartment.

National hunting rights organizations, Ducks, Trout and Whitetails Unlimited, filed the lawsuit, when TSA first required all carrion to be placed in checked baggage.

“You let the vegetarians bring on excessively large rutabagas which could be used as weapons but hunters can’t bring on decomposing flesh?” asked Robin Raven, the attorney representing The Ruffed Grouse Society and the National Wild Turkey Federation in amicus briefs.

TSA spokesperson Wyatt Berp admitted that the hunters wore them down, “To be honest, we were tired of people with bigger guns yelling at us. We tried to explain the difference between a small personal item and a bag of bones, but they just couldn’t see the difference.”

All carrion must be packed in 1-quart zip lock bags and treated like all other carry on items.

“Since airlines don’t offer free meals, now we can chew on an animal cadaver on the cross country trip,” said Dick Snout, President of G.N.A.W. (Guys Noshing on Animals and Wildlife).

The National Association of Flight Attendants and PETA opposed the ruling.

 

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