The Vatican Gay Lobby Plans DOMA Decision Celebration in Sistine Chapel

imagesBy Karen Topakian

Members of the “Vatican gay lobby,” VIAGRA, (Vatican Intramural Ageless Gay Religious Assembly) received an engraved invitation to attend the Repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) celebration in the Sistine Chapel. The celebration will occur on the night the US Supreme Court issues its opinion on DOMA.

While holding a private meeting with key Latin American church leaders, Pope Francis referenced the presence and the pressure of the “the gay lobby.”

“Whether they strike down DOMA or keep it in effect, we don’t care. We just like to par-tay,” said VIAGRA spokesperson, Monsignor Triple X who played a pivotal role in advocating for Catholic clergy to marry…anyone.

In order to gain entrance to the exclusive event, invitees must show bouncers their personally addressed invitation in its original cream-colored envelope bearing the stamp of the Vatican Post Office.

“Lobbyists for Opus Dei, that bunch of crazy ultra-conservative zealots will try to crash our gate, as they often do. But we are limiting attendance to true believers,” said Monsignor Triple X. “Anyway, their idea of partying includes hours of self-flagellation sandwiched in between nibbles on a few stale crackers.”

After a much-heated debate, party planners decided against issuing an invitation to the current Pontiff. Traditionally, they do include the Holy See in all official lobby activities. “We thought it might prove awkward for him, since we also invited member emeritus, Benedict,” said event producer Father Solar Plexus. “Plus no one wanted to watch Francis prance around in his one of a kind Adriano Stefanelli designed red shoes, especially now that Benedict must wear brown slip-ons.”

The invitation urges invitees to don their “leather club scene” vestments under their traditional customary religious garb. For those new members who feel their attire will not rise to VIAGRA’s standards, they may take advantage of the free “dress up” box stored in a secret compartment in the base of Michelangelo’s La Pieta.

Though VIAGRA’s celebration will take place in the historic Chapel where alcohol is forbidden, party organizers will offer a full host bar. “We’ve been sneaking booze into the Chapel for about 600 years,” said Monsignor Triple X. “Starting with the Pope Sixtus IV’s Ceiling Dedication after-party,”

Vatican heavy metal cover bands Forbidden Fruit, Rancid Gods and Bloody Tendencies will provide entertainment. VIAGRA had asked Madonna to perform but she said she was, “tied up.”

In order to compete in the evening’s marquee event, “I’ve Consummated with the Most Prelates” contest, VIAGRA members must bring a signed notarized list of their conquests along with a date time stamp to insure authenticity.

If the US Supreme Court strikes down DOMA, VIAGRA members will set up a spanking booth benefiting the organization. Participants will pay 10 Euros for spanks equaling the number of justice who voted in the majority.

“If the US Supreme Court votes the wrong way, we just might have to fly over there and spank them ourselves,” said Monsignor Triple X known for his acumen with a whip.

Nuns on the Bus will supply transportation for partygoers.

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