Paula Deen Receives Award from Confederate Women’s Organization

Unknown-1by Karen Topakian

Paula Deen, the dean of southern cooking and hospitality, received an award from the Southern women’s organization, PURDY (Pure Uppity Righteous Daughters Y’all), for expressing her true Confederate roots and for keeping bigoted culture and values alive today.

The TV cooking show icon received the much-coveted November 1865 award named for the last month and year when red-blooded Americans could buy, sell and own slaves. (President Lincoln signed the 13th Amendment to the Constitution banning slavery in December 1865.)

“A few weeks ago, we saw Paula Deen as one more Southern woman who liked to cook, bake and hawk hams,” said Beulah Belle Bowden, PURDY’s Grand Mistress. “But after we heard she used the n-word and wanted to dress up young black men to tap dance around at her brother’s wedding; we recognized a true kindred spirit.”

After Deen’s tear-filled interview with Matt Lauer on the Today Show, PURDY decided to also recognize Ms. Deen for her acting ability. “I’ve already asked her to star in the talent portion of our annual Plantation Pageant,” said Grand Mistress Bowden. “Or better yet she could Emcee the ‘slave auction.’”

Ms. Deen secretly accepted the award but denied it publicly. An anonymous source that attended the gala event said Ms Deen “urged people to ignore her TV tears while she kept the Confederacy alive.”

In response to the Food Network and Wal-Mart dropping Ms. Deen for her usage of racist language, she said, “You didn’t see me throw a hissy fit. I just moved to the new network, FIXIN’ (Fresh Ingredients and Xenophobic Inbreeds Network).” Ms. Deen who will star in a program about baking cakes in the likeness of great Southern leaders. “I’ll start with Medger Evers ‘cause FIXIN’ wants me to but I’d have preferred Lester Maddox.”

Caesars Entertainment, which includes Paula Deen themed restaurants in four of their casinos, also dropped her. “Our clientele would prefer to not dine in a restaurant named for a known racist,” said Augustus, a spokesman for Caesars. “We will close all of those venues and return to our roots by naming them after despotic roman emperors, like the “Caligula Café” and “Nero’s Fiddlin’ with Food.”

FIXIN’s headquarters disclosed that the Southern hostess might also lead a live TV show celebrity support group, “Paula Deen thinks she could learn a great deal from celebrities who’ve paid the price and come back on top,” said producer Ben There. “We’re talking to Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan.”

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