Why Women Didn’t Serve as Jesus’ Disciples

imgres  by Karen Topakian

Pope Francis recently re-affirmed the Church’s position on not ordaining women as priests. According to the Pope, since Jesus chose only men to serve as his apostles, the Church cannot ordain women.

Here’s an example of why women might not have served.

Bartholomew, a fisherman, walked quickly through his small courtyard toward the gate.

Sapphira, his wife, hung a wet sheet onto the clothesline, while watching him steal past his fishnets.

“Aren’t you going fishing today?”

“I’m going to hear the prophet, Jesus,” answered Bartholomew.


“Come listen. You’ll like him.”

“What about all this work?” asked Sapphira, waving at a pile of wet laundry, a young child wheezing and a stack of encrusted bowls. “And don’t give me that ‘god will provide’ business.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“But you did the last time a prophet sailed through Nazareth. I had to stay up all night cooking and cleaning.”

He shrugged.

“I don’t think your friends Mark, Luke and John want women around. When my friend Mary went, they sneered at her, ‘Show us your ankles.’ Others called her a whore.”

“What do you expect men to do when she cinches her robe so tight.”

“A woman at the well told me she believed in Jesus and wanted to follow him but your buddies wouldn’t allow her near him. She couldn’t break through the stucco ceiling.”

“Again, with the ceiling?”

Bartholomew put his arm around her and pulled her close to him. “I really think he’s the one.”

“The one, what?” she responded wriggling herself free from his grasp.

“The Messiah,” answered Bartholomew beaming.

“Is he? Probably promising he’ll make Galilee Great Again! If he says he can perform miracles, why doesn’t he get us a new oil lamp…that doesn’t leak?”

He looked at her crestfallen.

Sapphira reached for her husband’s hand. “What’s the matter with our religion? I thought you liked Judaism. What, you don’t like Rabbi Jacob?”

“I like Rabbi Jacob but how many times is he going to read from Leviticus? All those rules!”

“He’s reminding us how to live our faith.”

“Enough already about avoiding the cloven hooves and the unclean. I get it.”

Saphhira dropped his hand and resumed hanging up the wet laundry.

“You’ve changed. I remember when you enjoyed fishing, repairing your nets and teaching our children,” exclaimed Saphhira. “Now it’s Jesus this and Jesus that.”

“He says things I’ve never heard before,” confessed Bartholomew.

“You want to hear things you’ve never heard before? You’re a lousy husband. There I’ve said it. I guess my mother was right.”

“His words stir my heart.”

“I’ll give you something to stir, “ said Saphhira pointing to a pail of milk and a butter churner.

“He’s promising us a better life.”

“What’s he going to do, put food on our table, clothe us, keep us warm? You’re supposed to do that, you big lug. Because that’s your job as a husband and a father.”

Bartholomew shook his head, saddened by his wife’s negativity and walked out.

Sapphira pulled another sheet out of the pile and shook it within an inch of its life.

“What’s this one promising, the keys to heaven?”









The Vatican Gay Lobby Plans DOMA Decision Celebration in Sistine Chapel

imagesBy Karen Topakian

Members of the “Vatican gay lobby,” VIAGRA, (Vatican Intramural Ageless Gay Religious Assembly) received an engraved invitation to attend the Repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) celebration in the Sistine Chapel. The celebration will occur on the night the US Supreme Court issues its opinion on DOMA.

While holding a private meeting with key Latin American church leaders, Pope Francis referenced the presence and the pressure of the “the gay lobby.”

“Whether they strike down DOMA or keep it in effect, we don’t care. We just like to par-tay,” said VIAGRA spokesperson, Monsignor Triple X who played a pivotal role in advocating for Catholic clergy to marry…anyone.

In order to gain entrance to the exclusive event, invitees must show bouncers their personally addressed invitation in its original cream-colored envelope bearing the stamp of the Vatican Post Office.

“Lobbyists for Opus Dei, that bunch of crazy ultra-conservative zealots will try to crash our gate, as they often do. But we are limiting attendance to true believers,” said Monsignor Triple X. “Anyway, their idea of partying includes hours of self-flagellation sandwiched in between nibbles on a few stale crackers.”

After a much-heated debate, party planners decided against issuing an invitation to the current Pontiff. Traditionally, they do include the Holy See in all official lobby activities. “We thought it might prove awkward for him, since we also invited member emeritus, Benedict,” said event producer Father Solar Plexus. “Plus no one wanted to watch Francis prance around in his one of a kind Adriano Stefanelli designed red shoes, especially now that Benedict must wear brown slip-ons.”

The invitation urges invitees to don their “leather club scene” vestments under their traditional customary religious garb. For those new members who feel their attire will not rise to VIAGRA’s standards, they may take advantage of the free “dress up” box stored in a secret compartment in the base of Michelangelo’s La Pieta.

Though VIAGRA’s celebration will take place in the historic Chapel where alcohol is forbidden, party organizers will offer a full host bar. “We’ve been sneaking booze into the Chapel for about 600 years,” said Monsignor Triple X. “Starting with the Pope Sixtus IV’s Ceiling Dedication after-party,”

Vatican heavy metal cover bands Forbidden Fruit, Rancid Gods and Bloody Tendencies will provide entertainment. VIAGRA had asked Madonna to perform but she said she was, “tied up.”

In order to compete in the evening’s marquee event, “I’ve Consummated with the Most Prelates” contest, VIAGRA members must bring a signed notarized list of their conquests along with a date time stamp to insure authenticity.

If the US Supreme Court strikes down DOMA, VIAGRA members will set up a spanking booth benefiting the organization. Participants will pay 10 Euros for spanks equaling the number of justice who voted in the majority.

“If the US Supreme Court votes the wrong way, we just might have to fly over there and spank them ourselves,” said Monsignor Triple X known for his acumen with a whip.

Nuns on the Bus will supply transportation for partygoers.

Papal condoms

by Karen Topakian

In light of the Pope’s recent statement condoning the use of condoms in certain circumstances, my sister thought they could start marketing and endorsing their own brand.  To make a little extra money on the side. Here are a few possible names of Pope approved condoms.  Send me yours.

Religious rubbers

Roman rubbers

Consecrated condoms

Pontiff Prophylactics

Revered rough rides

Sanctified safeties

Papal protection

If I have to pick one scandal, which one should it be?

by Karen Topakian

I admit it. I love a good scandal. How could I not? I grew up in Rhode Island. The mobster and lobster state.

But these days my allegiance is torn between the implosion at the RNC over Voyeur-gate and the explosions at the Vatican over pedophile priests.

What article do I read first? “RNC Chief of Staff Resigns Amid Criticism” or “Priest Accused of US Abuse Still Working in India?”

Granted the stories emerging daily if not hourly out of the Vatican affect real people’s lives. Young people who have been lied to, disbelieved and shunned by their faith. Adults who tried to help often received the same treatment.

But there’s something about Republicans acting all high and mighty about other Republicans watching hanky spanky at a Hollywood club that just pulls me into their pseudo-moralistic vortex.

I need help.  What do you suggest?

Delve deeper into the bowels of RNC Chair Michael Steele’s bureaucracy or wade into the byzantine structure of the Catholic Church?

If I only have time to devote to one scandal, which one should it be?

The Miracles of Pope John Paul II

by Karen Topakian

Pope John Paul II even in his death seems to be moving at a fast pace. The Providence Journal declared that he’s on the fast track. To sainthood.

Pope Benedict appears determined to grant him a seat at the large table of more than 10,000 saints.

Along with people who suffered the slings and arrows of torture. Who healed the sick and comforted the dying. Who served as exemplary models and extraordinary teachers.

Pope John Paul II’s three miracles, requirements for sainthood, include curing the sick with a recovery that is sudden, complete permanent and inexplicable by doctors.

But I think the biggest miracle he performed was not seeing or addressing the child sexual abuse by priests and its cover-up. Taking place right before his very eyes.