by Karen Topakian
In order to balance the books at Mercy General Hospital, the management will now require medical residents to telecommute one day a week.
“We’ve cut costs on outpatient procedures, why not cut costs on out-staffing,” said newly hired CFO, Aron Ralston, the rock climber who severed his own arm to stay alive. “With cutting edge technology, we can dispense medicine, examine patients and treat wounds remotely.
Management already requires orderlies and maintenance staff to telecommute one day a week.
Many medical residents showed signs of resignation. “If the orderlies can change bedpans from their own house, I guess we can set a broken bone in our own bedroom,” said 1st year resident, Dr. Les Smalley. “On the bright side, I’ll be able to sleep in my own bed between shifts instead of on the same gurney that a wheezing man with diabetes just vacated.”
Dr. Smalley expressed another telecommuting advantage; “At least I can wear loose fitting clothes at work instead of my form fitting scrubs.”
At an all-staff meeting, Mercy General’s CEO, Chris Anderson, the “Do-It-Yourself Guru,” unveiled the new financial plan, which also included requiring patients to provide their own tubing, catheters and surgical sponges.
“If this phase proves successful, Mercy will allow patients to administer their own anesthesia at home, remove their own tumors and perform their own colonoscopies,” said Mr. Anderson. “These sick people need to take some responsibility for their own healthcare needs.”
The hospital’s newsletter, Show Some Mercy, hinted that in the coming weeks cafeteria workers and obstetricians would receive the same edict.