Gropers Poke Trump

 

 

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by Karen Topakian

In a rare public statement, the Gropers Really Are Brazen (GRAB) officially denounced Donald Trump and withdrew his longstanding membership from this international clandestine group.

According to GRAB’s CEO, Fred Feelgood, GRAB members wanted the world to know that Mr. Trump did not “speak for them.” Its public announcement included the following statements:

Mr. Trump’s potty mouth deeply offended our members’ delicate sensibilities. We may touch, fondle, grab, prod, maul, squeeze, pinch, grasp, feel, clutch, thumb, paw and poke “lady parts” but we never say the p-word.

We remain committed to groping in public but not talking about it in public. We only retain members who can remain tight-lipped about their achievements, conquests and dalliances.

GRAB’s bylaws require its members to publicly deny their own behavior vociferously and to seek immediate protection from the organization’s rich and famous like-minded friends. Mr. Trump’s 2005 statements made public on October 7 required us to remove him immediately from the membership roster.

The group called an emergency meeting when the videotapes became public. “Our members dropped everything to attend,” declared Mr. Feelgood. “We have a brand to protect. Sure, we like to grope as much as the next guy, but we don’t boast about it. We’ve learned to zip it up.”

Mr. Feelgood noted that this incident wasn’t Mr. Trump’s first offense as a GRAB member. “When Ivana charged him with rape we put his membership on probation.” Feelgood noted that the bylaws clearly do not allow members to rape. “We reinstated him when she encased the word rape in quotes.”

According to Feelgood, the Groper-American community likes to seize life by the throat, though usually lower. As loyal Americans, they exercise their right to peacefully assemble – very, very closely together.

He uttered their motto, “You only go around once in life, so you’ve got to grab for all the gusto you can,” with a nod and a wink.

GRAB’s members include all racial, ethnic, age and religious groups but currently only men. Several years ago, a handful of women joined GRAB committed to groping men but the membership found the mere mention of such behavior repugnant, demeaning, offensive, distasteful, objectionable, dehumanizing, repulsive and possibly illegal. They quickly amended the bylaws disallowing it.

According to Feelgood, women may join if they agree only to grope other women.

“We’re not sexist because anyone can join,” reported Feelgood. “We even reached out to the lesbian community, assuming they might share our common interests in groping women, but our friendly overtures were met with vulgarity.”

Individuals may join GRAB by invitation only. “We can’t just let anyone in willy-nilly,” said Mr. Feelgood. “Certainly not pedophiles, exhibitionists and necrophilias. Those people are perverts.”

This century’s old secretive group, founded by men lurking in and slinking around crowded busses, trains and elevators, prefers to conduct its business behind closed doors and in the dark. Throughout the year, GRAB sponsors public events at a variety of locations, i.e. Black Friday waiting lines at Wal-Mart, tree-lighting at Rockefeller Center, Super Bowl entry gates, Penn Station, TSA lines…

“Trump’s lowered our standards,” announced Feelgood. “And we certainly never kiss. That’s ticky-tacky.”

Nana and Nixon

by Karen Topakian

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My maternal grandparents lived a few blocks away from my childhood home in Rhode Island. I spent many hours with them, almost as second parents. Since my mother was an only child, my sister and I received tons of love and affection from them both.

My Nana, a short woman with grey hair, a ready smile, a quick laugh and a refrigerator full of food, harbored tons of energy for parties and socializing. She loved to discuss the two topics one should avoid in polite company: religion and politics.

I don’t know which she loved more the Armenian church or the Republican Party.

President Eisenhower’s photo adorned the bookshelf in their den along with an “I Like Ike” button and banner. Because she spoke about Mr. Eisenhower as frequently and as affectionately as she did about her beloved brother, Mark, I thought she knew the president. Much later, in life I learned she didn’t.

“Nana, have you ever voted for a Democrat?” I once asked her.

“Of course not,” she answered.“There wasn’t one worth voting for.”

After Eisenhower, she loved Nixon best. After his mid-office resignation, she continued to display a photo of the Nixon family on the wall in her cheery yellow kitchen – Pat, Tricia and Julie standing around a smiling Dick playing the piano.

One Sunday, when my father was driving my family, including my grandparents, on an excursion, Nixon’s pending resignation came up in conversation.

“He’s a criminal,” said my mother disgustedly

“He ought to go to jail,” muttered my father.

“He’s a crook,” said my grandfather with conviction.

“Say what you will, he’s still a good-looking man,” said Nana with pride.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Proof that god does not want Republicans to meet…

by Karen Topakian

cause if she did she wouldn’t schedule hurricanes in the middle of their quadrennial parties.

As you may remember, Hurricane Gustav* delayed the start of the 2008 Republican National Convention in Minnesota.

They suspended party politicking on the first day, Sept 1. Even though the RNC were miles and states away from the storm’s course. Replacing it with a call for action to help hurricane victims.

Hurricane Gustav required the largest evacuation in US history. More than 3 million people fled the oncoming hurricane and caused $6.6 billion dollars in damages.

Fast forward, 4 years to the 2012 Republican Convention in Tampa. Where Hurricane Isaac** once again delayed their party by one day. Forcing evacuations of thousands from Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana.

What other reasonable conclusion could one draw?

*In Scandinavian languages, Gustav means staff of the gods
**In Hebrew, Isaac means he laughs, will laugh

Republican Presidential Hopefuls Select Government Required Chastity Belts

by Karen Topakian

In a surprise upset, Republican Presidential hopefuls Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum both endorsed the same brand and model chastity belt mandated by the US Supreme Court for all women over the age of 12. Despite receiving heavy backing from the Lord of Belts corporation, both candidates praised the model NoSX model manufactured by I can’t believe it’s a chastity belt.com.

Their belt of choice requires two keys and a combination lock.

“I couldn’t continue to support the Lord of Belts model when my five year old picked the single lock in a record 3 minutes,” said former Senator Santorum who said God convinced him to change his mind.

Romney backed the Lord of Belts model when they donated $40 million to his Super Pac. He quickly changed his mind when the up and coming dot com pledged $50 million. “I bowed to the superior product,” said Romney displaying the keys to his wife Anne’s belt on his Tiffany key chain.

Former House Speaker Gingrich chose the style of medieval belt worn by Catherine de’ Medici – a simple velvet-covered hoop and a plate of iron. Sean Hannity roundly ridiculed him for choosing a Socialist European model.

Congressman Ron Paul endorsed a belt made from rusted nails and concertina wire, stating that he didn’t believe the government should waste tax payer money selecting such cushy devices.

With Valentine’s Day just a few days in the past, the Republicans aren’t in love

by Karen Topakian

They’re not even in like. With any federal program.

Arts? Nope.

Environmental protection? Nope.

Heating subsidies for the poor? Double nope.

Farm subsidies. Social Security. Medicare Medicaid? Nope Nope and Nope

Planned Parenthood? Absolutely not

Obama’s Health Care Plan? What are you smoking?

Legal Services for the poor? R U crazee?

What do they like?

Special Education? a little.

Amtrak? Maybe.

Untreated waste flows into San Diego and its coastal beaches? Sort of

Fire departments? Kind of

What’s left?             THE PENTAGON!!

Let’s see what they say and do with the $158 billion dollar price tag attached to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. That’s when we’ll see the love. The big love. True love. Heart racing. Blood rising love.

Republicans vs. Republicans

by Karen Topakian

It didn’t take long for the House republicans to not get along. With each other. Exactly 36 days from their seating as the 112th Congress. They began fighting. With each other.

The 87 Republican fresh persons arrived with a mandate. And it wasn’t to get along.  It was to slash and burn. Take no prisoners. Hold nothing sacred.

What caused their ire? Aid to workers displaced by the new trade agreement and the renewal of the dreaded PATRIOT Act.

Were they opposing these measures because they opposed the displacement of workers? No.

These Young Turk are more interested in reducing government spending than in maintaining jobs.

But didn’t they run on an “Obama’s not doing enough to create more jobs” platform? Some did.

I predict that these fights equal coming attractions. Trailers. Preview sof how they will behave when it’s time for the main event. And there are many: the vote to raise the budget ceiling; appropriations for projects and departments they hate – the E.P.A., Legal Aid, Corporation for Public Broadcasting…

This in fighting and lack of party discipline brings great encouragement. To those of us on the Left.  I say “Bring it on.”

The House is all they’ve got. And if they can’t keep themselves in order. They will fail at promoting their Neanderthal* positions on climate-change, immigration, education reform…

*I apologize to any readers who self-identify as Neanderthal.

The Republican Want to Hear Your Policy Ideas, Honest!

by Karen Topakian

The Republican Party is drafting a new plan to win back the House of Representatives. A remake of their 1994 block buster Contract On America. Wait no. Contract With America.  But this time they want to know what YOU think. By submitting policy ideas to a website. And they’re calling it America Speaking Out

According to the Christian Broadcast Network website, “Visitors to the site are asked to post an opinion about the economy, national security or other issues, or even a “Start Your Own Debate” with a posting that others can then respond to. The ideas will be discussed and eventually put into the GOP election-year agenda.” (Shame on them for ending a sentence with the preposition to. Aren’t there any grammarians on staff at the CBN?) 

You are invited to select a category, vote on an idea, post a response and…earn badges!

The categories are American Prosperity, Fiscal Accountability, American Values, National Security, and Open Mic.

I couldn’t help myself. So I took a peek. Here are a few of the postings. Verbatim and Vile.

Under the category of American Prosperity. “I’ve noticed lately that America’s birds are getting a little on the small side. The North African Ostrich is the world’s largest and therefore best bird. Why is it that the greatest country on earth doesn’t have the world’s biggest birds? Liberals want our birds to be small because they hate the Constitution. Jews did 9/11.”

Under American Values “we should make english the official language of the US and stop spending tax dollars on translations for mexicans! if english is good enough for baby jesus, its good enough for americans.”

And my personal favorite under Open Mic (a VERY dangerous concept in the real world and online) “People should only be allowed to smoke cigarettes UNTIL they turn 18. Think about it. Smoking for a few years won’t do them much harm. And if people over 18 want to smoke they can bribe kids to buy them cigarettes.

Remember this isn’t the Onion. It’s the Grand Old Party.

So log on and tell them what you think. Seriously.

If I have to pick one scandal, which one should it be?

by Karen Topakian

I admit it. I love a good scandal. How could I not? I grew up in Rhode Island. The mobster and lobster state.

But these days my allegiance is torn between the implosion at the RNC over Voyeur-gate and the explosions at the Vatican over pedophile priests.

What article do I read first? “RNC Chief of Staff Resigns Amid Criticism” or “Priest Accused of US Abuse Still Working in India?”

Granted the stories emerging daily if not hourly out of the Vatican affect real people’s lives. Young people who have been lied to, disbelieved and shunned by their faith. Adults who tried to help often received the same treatment.

But there’s something about Republicans acting all high and mighty about other Republicans watching hanky spanky at a Hollywood club that just pulls me into their pseudo-moralistic vortex.

I need help.  What do you suggest?

Delve deeper into the bowels of RNC Chair Michael Steele’s bureaucracy or wade into the byzantine structure of the Catholic Church?

If I only have time to devote to one scandal, which one should it be?

Tea for Two

 

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by Karen Topakian

Today is opening day at the first Tea Party Convention in Nashville, TN. We all know that Sarah Palin will be the keynote speaker. But she’s not the only one commanding an audience. The line up also includes Judge Roy Moore and former member of Congress Tom Tancredo.

To refresh your memory, here’s a brief bio on these two gentlemen.

According to the Foundation for Moral Law’s website where he serves as the President, Honorable Roy Moore “…served until his election as chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court in 2000. In 2003, Chief Justice Moore was removed from his position for standing up for the inalienable right to acknowledge God.”

CNN reports that Alabama’s judicial ethics panel removed him from office for defying a federal judge’s order to move a Ten Commandments monument from the state Supreme Court building.  And not just any monument. But 2.6 tons of granite that was delivered at 9 p.m. He wasn’t sneaking it in after hours. The truck delivering it had broken down, says the Foundation for Moral Law’s website.

Judge Moore is running this year for Governor of Alabama.

Tom Tancredo, representing Colorado’s 6th Congressional District from 1999 until 2009, staked his political future on opposing mass immigration.  “Focusing on the ills of the illegal alien invasion,” so says his website Tancredo.org. He is the grandson of Italian immigrants.

He voted against the renewal of the Voting Rights Act. But is in favor of legalizing marijuana.

He currently serves as honorary chairman of Youth for Western Civilization.

Protesting the protestors

by Karen Topakian

 

The Tea Party folks. The ones whose core values include, Fiscal Responsibility, Constitutionally Limited Government and Free Markets. The folks who protest health care reform and oppose government bailouts of the auto and banking industries. Will be protesting in February…at their own convention.

That’s right. And for the same reasons.

The ticket price for the two-day convention at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel and Convention Center in Nashville costs $550. But hey, it includes a steak and lobster dinner and a chance to hear keynote speaker Sarah Palin (who will be well compensated for her appearance to the tune of $100,000 which she said she will donate to campaigns, candidates and issues).

Apparently not everyone thinks it’s worth it. Though it is sold out.

Local tea party leaders from Tennessee will be attending a counter-convention elsewhere in Nashville this Saturday. Some activists are discussing protesting at the February convention itself.

A for-profit corporation, Tea Party Nation, is running the event with the initial expectation that it would be a moneymaker for conservative 527 groups. Instead, the whole event could end up costing Judson Phillips, the Tennessee lawyer who controls Tea Party Nation.

Some sponsors have withdrawn their support because of infighting and unusual finances.

How heartwarming to know that the right wing isn’t nearly as well organized and savvy as we might have thought. And that infighting can occur on both sides of the aisle.