Palin: if you say it, you must pay it

by Karen Topakian

To stop me as a child from saying the words shut up or stupid, my parents required that I deposit a nickel in a green plastic piggy bank every time I did. They believed that, literally, putting my money where my mouth was would curtail my language. To a degree they were correct. It didn’t take long for me to find other ways to curse out my sister. For free.

Today I can see that I might be faced with the same dilemma.

A.P. reports that Sarah Palin and her daughter Bristol are filing for trademark status for their names. The usage would be limited to “a website featuring information about political issues; and educational and entertainment services, including motivational speaking in the fields of politics, culture, business and values.”

If the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office approve their request, I will be charged with copyright infringement anytime I use their names in other venues or places or ways. Which will cost me money.

If and when that happens, I will never utter either of their names aloud. Nor will I write them down, type them, post them, sing or sign them.

Will you help me find a way to refer to them for free?

What’s in a name? If Sarah Palin were creating it!

by Karen Topakian

If you are as obsessed with Sarah Palin as I am. Or are just mildly curious about her meteoric rise to stardom despite her dearth of achievements, then you will love this new website forwarded to me by Nomi Hurwitz who hails from my home state of RI.

The Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator.

I don’t know how it works. ‘Cuz when I went to college, computer science hadn’t been invented yet. Thankfully the wheel had just come out. Wheel 2.0 that is.

If you deign to enter your first and last name it will produce your baby name. As if Sarah Palin were your mom. God forbid.

From now on I want everyone to refrain from calling me Karen Topakian. And start calling me by the name that my adopted mother Sarah prefers, “Steam Fangs Topakian.”

Try it. Then let me know how to address you.

Sarah Palin, You’ve Met Your Match


Caribou Barbie


by Karen Topakian

Barbie, the 51-year old fashion icon, just added news anchor to her mega-list of careers.

Watch your step Sarah or Fox News may stop building that state of the art TV studio in your house now that Barbie’s back in town.

Sarah, you may have been governor of Alaska, for a few short years. But Barbie’s been the President of the United States, an Ambassador for world peace, a member of the royal family and a Canadian Mountie where she always got her man.

Sarah, you may have earned the moniker “Sarah Barracuda” playing high school basketball. But Barbie is a WNBA basketball player as well as an Olympic Gold medal skier, gymnast and figure skater.

Sarah, don’t even try to compete with Barbie on the beauty front. Your runner-up status as Miss Alaska can’t hold a candle to Barbie’s stature as a rockette, a fashion model and a beauty queen.

Your sports reporting credentials don’t come close to Barbie’s pedigree as a cowgirl, fire fighter and pilot.

Barbie, the over-achiever, just became a computer engineer. Watch your step Carly Fiorina and Meg Whitman. She’s got your numbers, too.