To Go or Not to Go

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by Karen Topakian

President Trump will deliver his State of the Union address on Tuesday, January 30. Should U.S. Congressional members boycott or attend?

The U.S. Constitution states the president, “…shall from time to time give to Congress information of the State of the Union and recommend to their Consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient.”

However, it doesn’t require Congressional members to attend.

If a Congress member has spent the last 12 months opposing everything the Trump administration has presented, voted against every bill, championed the opposition should s/he attend?

What does attending mean/imply/infer/signify? Does attending equal complicity with or support for this administration? Does it only show support and respect for the executive branch of our government, regardless of who’s in the White House?

Does boycotting tarnish our democratic institutions? Does it indicate disrespect for the presidency or just the current president? Does it indicate an unwillingness to comply with a 100+ year tradition to register public opposition to the president and his administration?

I hope those who don’t attend will issue a public statement and defend their position. Not cower or offer excuses, i.e. my dog ate my invitation, I had to wash my hair, I had to prepare for a colonoscopy.

Each Congress member should decide for her/himself based on conscience, principles, values and the ability to stomach the bloviating rhetoric that will spew from the Liar-in-Chief.

What should they do?

Election Disaster Preparedness

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by Karen Topakian

The Red Cross advises families to make a plan to prepare and respond to all types of emergencies from flood to flu to landslides. Unfortunately, they don’t tell you how to prepare for the disaster wafting our way on January 20, 2017 and ending on January 19, 2021.

So I will.

                                                                  MAKE A PLAN

Create an emergency plan so your family will know what to do in the crisis.

  1. Discuss how to prepare and respond to the types of emergencies that will most likely happen where you live, learn, work and play.
  • Identify people of color, Muslims, immigrants, women and LGBT type people in your household and in your workplace.
  • Decide on a course of action if assaulted or harassed. For example, enlist a straight male Caucasian friend, preferably Republican or from the alt-right to help you, go into hiding, lighten your skin, convert to an “acceptable” religion, a.k.a. Christian, try to act straight, hire a civil rights attorney to accompany you 24/7
  • Purchase a Presidential Disaster insurance plan, which will cover loss of access to abortion, a free press and sanity. Add-on miscarriage of justice insurance and former homeowners policies.
  1. Develop an action plan and assign tasks. Remember to work together as a team. Responsibilities may include:
  • Monitoring the news to see which way the political winds are blowing
  • Making protest signs
  • Stashing bail money
  • Disguising your home as a Trumpian refuge if under attack, i.e. display white nationalist banners
  • Updating passports
  • Keeping social media accounts on high alert
  • Filling up gas tanks
  • Hiding undocumented immigrants, people of color, Muslims, women and queer folks
  • Packing do-it-yourself surgical kits for the inevitable loss of access to health care
  • Digging a hole in the backyard big enough for your whole family
  • Resupplying your bomb shelter
  1. Stockpile basic disaster supplies.
  • Loose fitting clothing and running shoes required for long marches and fast getaways
  • Extra underwear and a toiletry kit in case of a round up
  • Involuntary-change-of-address cards
  • Blankets, sleeping bags and tents packed up to serve as an emergency home
  • A battery-powered radio tuned to the easy listening channel to avoid adding stress
  • Cash, cash, cash – US and Canadian dollars, Euros, Rubles and Pesos
  • American flags and extra matches
  • SPF 1,000 to protect against the inevitable rise in global temperature
  • Snorkels, fins and oxygen tanks, for coastal residents. Oh heck, even for folks in the Mid-West.
  • Anti-pollution masks
  • Fire extinguishers to douse cross burnings
  • Coat hangars to help women in need
  • Bullet proof vests, particularly for young men of color
  • Cases of Xanax, Valium, Zoloft and Prozac. In extreme circumstances, a do-it-yourself lobotomy kit

Gropers Poke Trump

 

 

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by Karen Topakian

In a rare public statement, the Gropers Really Are Brazen (GRAB) officially denounced Donald Trump and withdrew his longstanding membership from this international clandestine group.

According to GRAB’s CEO, Fred Feelgood, GRAB members wanted the world to know that Mr. Trump did not “speak for them.” Its public announcement included the following statements:

Mr. Trump’s potty mouth deeply offended our members’ delicate sensibilities. We may touch, fondle, grab, prod, maul, squeeze, pinch, grasp, feel, clutch, thumb, paw and poke “lady parts” but we never say the p-word.

We remain committed to groping in public but not talking about it in public. We only retain members who can remain tight-lipped about their achievements, conquests and dalliances.

GRAB’s bylaws require its members to publicly deny their own behavior vociferously and to seek immediate protection from the organization’s rich and famous like-minded friends. Mr. Trump’s 2005 statements made public on October 7 required us to remove him immediately from the membership roster.

The group called an emergency meeting when the videotapes became public. “Our members dropped everything to attend,” declared Mr. Feelgood. “We have a brand to protect. Sure, we like to grope as much as the next guy, but we don’t boast about it. We’ve learned to zip it up.”

Mr. Feelgood noted that this incident wasn’t Mr. Trump’s first offense as a GRAB member. “When Ivana charged him with rape we put his membership on probation.” Feelgood noted that the bylaws clearly do not allow members to rape. “We reinstated him when she encased the word rape in quotes.”

According to Feelgood, the Groper-American community likes to seize life by the throat, though usually lower. As loyal Americans, they exercise their right to peacefully assemble – very, very closely together.

He uttered their motto, “You only go around once in life, so you’ve got to grab for all the gusto you can,” with a nod and a wink.

GRAB’s members include all racial, ethnic, age and religious groups but currently only men. Several years ago, a handful of women joined GRAB committed to groping men but the membership found the mere mention of such behavior repugnant, demeaning, offensive, distasteful, objectionable, dehumanizing, repulsive and possibly illegal. They quickly amended the bylaws disallowing it.

According to Feelgood, women may join if they agree only to grope other women.

“We’re not sexist because anyone can join,” reported Feelgood. “We even reached out to the lesbian community, assuming they might share our common interests in groping women, but our friendly overtures were met with vulgarity.”

Individuals may join GRAB by invitation only. “We can’t just let anyone in willy-nilly,” said Mr. Feelgood. “Certainly not pedophiles, exhibitionists and necrophilias. Those people are perverts.”

This century’s old secretive group, founded by men lurking in and slinking around crowded busses, trains and elevators, prefers to conduct its business behind closed doors and in the dark. Throughout the year, GRAB sponsors public events at a variety of locations, i.e. Black Friday waiting lines at Wal-Mart, tree-lighting at Rockefeller Center, Super Bowl entry gates, Penn Station, TSA lines…

“Trump’s lowered our standards,” announced Feelgood. “And we certainly never kiss. That’s ticky-tacky.”

My Big Fat Republican Presidential Candidate Gay Wedding

imagesby Karen Topakian

I’m confused. I’m planning my wedding to coincide with the Republican National Convention and I don’t know which candidates to invite. I don’t know who will attend. What’s a lesbian to do?

Firebrand Ted told me he supports traditional marriage and would love his daughters if they came out as gay. But I’m not his daughter. Does that mean he doesn’t love me? Maybe he’ll show up if the gift registry goes to his campaign.

Marco sent me a note saying he opposed my right to marry but would still attend my wedding. I’m afraid he will try to disrupt our vows and then lead the rumba line at the reception. He wants to eat my wedding cake though none of his constituents would bake it. Should I let him?

Rand, that dear sweet boy, wants me to enter into a contract with my partner, Peg. So romantic of him. I have a contract with Peg. It’s called a mortgage. I’m not sure about the contract he’s talking about, does he want me to marry her or kill her?

Jeb, so tall and good looking, said, “He wants American people to respect couples making lifelong commitments to each other.” I’m a little afraid if I invite him he’ll bring the committee with him that wrote that quote.

Dreamy Scott said he would definitely attend the reception. But his God won’t let him attend the ceremony. For the record, my God told me not to invite him and his God. What if I tell him that none of the wedding staff are unionized, do you think that might persuade him?

Rick S. won’t attend under any circumstance. He won’t violate his faith. Now who will give the long meandering vitriolic toast?

Carly, who doesn’t have a prayer, supports my civil union and my right to government benefits. Will my gift be a government check.?

Dr. Ben, even though you don’t believe in evolution will you come to my wedding? Or do you believe if you attend a same sex marriage it will make you gay?

Hugable Huckabee, you said, “expecting Christians to accept same-sex marriage is ‘like asking someone who’s Jewish to start serving bacon-wrapped shrimp in their deli.’” Mind if I block that metaphor with a 2×4 and an order of knishes? Would you change your mind if I let you jam with the wedding band?

Rough and tumble Christie, you stopped fighting gay marriage in Jersey. Will you check the yes box with no intention of showing up, apologizing later for getting stuck in traffic?

Lindsey baby, just say yes. I know you want to define marriage along the straight and narrow but we all know there ain’t nothing straight and narrow about you.

Be speckled Rick, you told the media, “probably.” But probably isn’t one of the options. What will it take? An opportunity to open carry? A night on the border patrol? An execution?

The Donald. I’m not even going to invite you because you’ve probably been to enough marriages, I mean weddings, in your life.

And then there’s Bobby, lanky Ivy-league educated Bobby. You said you were really really against gay marriage but declared that you would attend a same-sex wedding if it were between people you cared about. Do you care about me? Is that a stupid question for a candidate from the stupid party?

See why I’m so confused?

 

You’re not done yet, Donald!

by Karen Topakian

Donald Trump just placed another feather in his own cap. One of many over the years. He’s now taking credit. All of the credit. For forcing the President to produce the long form of his birth certificate from the state of Hawaii.

But I don’t think Trump has gone far enough. Shouldn’t he be investigating where the conception took place?

For those who believe that life begins at conception, isn’t that the location that needs to be disclosed?

The 14th Amendment grants citizenship on those born in the US, what about to those conceived in the US?

Isn’t the location of conception critical?

The Donald must find out where was the President conceived? On or off US soil? That’s the piece of information that I’m looking for.

Is he man enough to find out?

If he’s not, maybe US Sen David Vitter* might like to meet the challenge. Since he is unabashedly pro-life. And the main sponsor of SJ Res 31 that would limit birthright citizenship. (His resolution would require that at least one parent would have to be a citizen, a lawful permanent resident or an alien serving in the military.)

He should link the two issues and call for a certificate of conception signed by both parents and notarized before we grant citizenship willy-nilly.

I bet he wishes he’d thought of this first.

*Vitter is no stranger to procreation. Since he was connected to prostitutes in DC and Louisiana.