The Vatican Gay Lobby Plans DOMA Decision Celebration in Sistine Chapel

By Karen Topakian

Members of the “Vatican gay lobby,” VIAGRA, (Vatican Intramural Ageless Gay Religious Assembly) received an engraved invitation to attend the Repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) celebration in the Sistine Chapel. The celebration will occur on the night the US Supreme Court issues its opinion on DOMA.

While holding a private meeting with key Latin American church leaders, Pope Francis referenced the presence and the pressure of the “the gay lobby.”

“Whether they strike down DOMA or keep it in effect, we don’t care. We just like to par-tay,” said VIAGRA spokesperson, Monsignor Triple X who played a pivotal role in advocating for Catholic clergy to marry…anyone.

In order to gain entrance to the exclusive event, invitees must show bouncers their personally addressed invitation in its original cream-colored envelope bearing the stamp of the Vatican Post Office.

“Lobbyists for Opus Dei, that bunch of crazy ultra-conservative zealots will try to crash our gate, as they often do. But we are limiting attendance to true believers,” said Monsignor Triple X. “Anyway, their idea of partying includes hours of self-flagellation sandwiched in between nibbles on a few stale crackers.”

After a much-heated debate, party planners decided against issuing an invitation to the current Pontiff. Traditionally, they do include the Holy See in all official lobby activities. “We thought it might prove awkward for him, since we also invited member emeritus, Benedict,” said event producer Father Solar Plexus. “Plus no one wanted to watch Francis prance around in his one of a kind Adriano Stefanelli designed red shoes, especially now that Benedict must wear brown slip-ons.”

The invitation urges invitees to don their “leather club scene” vestments under their traditional customary religious garb. For those new members who feel their attire will not rise to VIAGRA’s standards, they may take advantage of the free “dress up” box stored in a secret compartment in the base of Michelangelo’s La Pieta.

Though VIAGRA’s celebration will take place in the historic Chapel where alcohol is forbidden, party organizers will offer a full host bar. “We’ve been sneaking booze into the Chapel for about 600 years,” said Monsignor Triple X. “Starting with the Pope Sixtus IV’s Ceiling Dedication after-party,”

Vatican heavy metal cover bands Forbidden Fruit, Rancid Gods and Bloody Tendencies will provide entertainment. VIAGRA had asked Madonna to perform but she said she was, “tied up.”

In order to compete in the evening’s marquee event, “I’ve Consummated with the Most Prelates” contest, VIAGRA members must bring a signed notarized list of their conquests along with a date time stamp to insure authenticity.

If the US Supreme Court strikes down DOMA, VIAGRA members will set up a spanking booth benefiting the organization. Participants will pay 10 Euros for spanks equaling the number of justice who voted in the majority.

“If the US Supreme Court votes the wrong way, we just might have to fly over there and spank them ourselves,” said Monsignor Triple X known for his acumen with a whip.

Nuns on the Bus will supply transportation for partygoers.

Lady Gaga, donating isn’t enough on World AIDS Day

by Karen Topakian

In honor of World AIDS day a number of celebrities are killing off their cyberselves to raise awareness about the lives lost to AIDS. Admirable. Though really who cares whether my Armenian sister Kim Kardashian is alive or not in cyberspace. But many do care about Alicia Keyes and Lady Gaga.

They want us to bring them back to life by raising a million dollars for Alicia Keyes’ organization, Keep a Child Alive.

I would ask that everyone who donates also do a few other things in addition to giving money. For starters, use a condom and practice safe sex every time they have sex. Advocate for sex education in schools. Not abstinence. Advocate for needle exchange not criminalizing IV drug users. Advocate in their houses of worship against discrimination of members of the LGBT community. Lobby the Vatican to endorse the use of condoms as a public health measure.

I’m sure you all could think of many more things we could all do to ensure that no one else contracts this disease that has taken the lives of too many. All because our government and religious institutions just can’t accept the fact that people have sex and deserve to be safe without feeling guilty when they do.

If I have to pick one scandal, which one should it be?

by Karen Topakian

I admit it. I love a good scandal. How could I not? I grew up in Rhode Island. The mobster and lobster state.

But these days my allegiance is torn between the implosion at the RNC over Voyeur-gate and the explosions at the Vatican over pedophile priests.

What article do I read first? “RNC Chief of Staff Resigns Amid Criticism” or “Priest Accused of US Abuse Still Working in India?”

Granted the stories emerging daily if not hourly out of the Vatican affect real people’s lives. Young people who have been lied to, disbelieved and shunned by their faith. Adults who tried to help often received the same treatment.

But there’s something about Republicans acting all high and mighty about other Republicans watching hanky spanky at a Hollywood club that just pulls me into their pseudo-moralistic vortex.

I need help.  What do you suggest?

Delve deeper into the bowels of RNC Chair Michael Steele’s bureaucracy or wade into the byzantine structure of the Catholic Church?

If I only have time to devote to one scandal, which one should it be?