My Big Fat Republican Presidential Candidate Gay Wedding

imagesby Karen Topakian

I’m confused. I’m planning my wedding to coincide with the Republican National Convention and I don’t know which candidates to invite. I don’t know who will attend. What’s a lesbian to do?

Firebrand Ted told me he supports traditional marriage and would love his daughters if they came out as gay. But I’m not his daughter. Does that mean he doesn’t love me? Maybe he’ll show up if the gift registry goes to his campaign.

Marco sent me a note saying he opposed my right to marry but would still attend my wedding. I’m afraid he will try to disrupt our vows and then lead the rumba line at the reception. He wants to eat my wedding cake though none of his constituents would bake it. Should I let him?

Rand, that dear sweet boy, wants me to enter into a contract with my partner, Peg. So romantic of him. I have a contract with Peg. It’s called a mortgage. I’m not sure about the contract he’s talking about, does he want me to marry her or kill her?

Jeb, so tall and good looking, said, “He wants American people to respect couples making lifelong commitments to each other.” I’m a little afraid if I invite him he’ll bring the committee with him that wrote that quote.

Dreamy Scott said he would definitely attend the reception. But his God won’t let him attend the ceremony. For the record, my God told me not to invite him and his God. What if I tell him that none of the wedding staff are unionized, do you think that might persuade him?

Rick S. won’t attend under any circumstance. He won’t violate his faith. Now who will give the long meandering vitriolic toast?

Carly, who doesn’t have a prayer, supports my civil union and my right to government benefits. Will my gift be a government check.?

Dr. Ben, even though you don’t believe in evolution will you come to my wedding? Or do you believe if you attend a same sex marriage it will make you gay?

Hugable Huckabee, you said, “expecting Christians to accept same-sex marriage is ‘like asking someone who’s Jewish to start serving bacon-wrapped shrimp in their deli.’” Mind if I block that metaphor with a 2×4 and an order of knishes? Would you change your mind if I let you jam with the wedding band?

Rough and tumble Christie, you stopped fighting gay marriage in Jersey. Will you check the yes box with no intention of showing up, apologizing later for getting stuck in traffic?

Lindsey baby, just say yes. I know you want to define marriage along the straight and narrow but we all know there ain’t nothing straight and narrow about you.

Be speckled Rick, you told the media, “probably.” But probably isn’t one of the options. What will it take? An opportunity to open carry? A night on the border patrol? An execution?

The Donald. I’m not even going to invite you because you’ve probably been to enough marriages, I mean weddings, in your life.

And then there’s Bobby, lanky Ivy-league educated Bobby. You said you were really really against gay marriage but declared that you would attend a same-sex wedding if it were between people you cared about. Do you care about me? Is that a stupid question for a candidate from the stupid party?

See why I’m so confused?